by Jaylour Bancolo
It was when the sun has fully risen when I realized I’m still awake. I really don’t know what’s up but lately, I’ve been having a hard time falling asleep.
“I really need to tell mom to share me some of her sleeping pills.” I told myself when it hit me. Shit! It’s already morning I should probably go to bed before she wakes up, I thought to myself. By the time I closed my eyes, my ears started doing its thing and I heard it, my mom, crying aloud, again, in the morning.
In the morning, I’m still awake.
In the morning, my eyes start to ache.
In the morning, mom is crying for God’s sake.
No one really knows what happened, at least I don’t. It started a few months ago when my mom just started waking up crying every morning. The doctor thought it was best for my mom to not directly talk to me, her only child, because apparently, I make her sad and emotional. I will never understand why my parents actually believed it. Ever since that day, we just started getting distant from each other. Well, funny for me to assume that we were close in the first place. I hate it. The thought of me being an insignificant member of the family will just keep on growing if we keep on doing this bull-
“Fuck!” I cursed out as I opened my eyes.
I hate her but I also hate it when she cries. I don’t know if I’m angry or sad but I just want to catch some sleep. Mom, please let me sleep.
“I want to run away.” I cried out softly as I endure everything that is happening in this household. I’ve always wanted to run away since staying is supposed to be bad for both of our mental health.
“I guess I won’t be sleeping today.” I gave up as I stand up to go to the bathroom to wash my face only to notice that everything is so dusty as if this room wasn’t cleaned for months.
Well, I always leave the cleaning to mom and because of her situation, she was told to not enter my room until she gets better. Bullshit.
I never noticed when she stopped crying but I started getting hungry by noon. Shit, I haven’t really had a proper meal since last night. As I walked my way to the kitchen, mom and dad was already eating. So, it seems like they have already forgotten they have a child to feed. Everyone was silent as I helped myself get my food and went back to my room to eat.
“They never even looked at me.” I whispered. It really bothered me how depressed they look, even dad. Mom’s situation must have gotten in to him. This family is fucked.
I’m fucking sleepy. I want to sleep but I just can’t make myself sleep “Maybe I should take a shower first.” I told myself. I went to the bathroom and noticed an open cabinet counter near the faucet. That’s weird; mom and dad never left the bathroom without locking the medicine counter. Suddenly, the brightest idea came to me.
“I know how to make myself fall asleep!” I exclaimed as I went to the unlocked medicine counter to find my mom’s sleeping pills. It took me long to find the pills as there are so many medicines inside, mostly anti-depressants. I never really paid attention to the other pills but when I found the sleeping pills, I noticed it has a name labeled at it. Amber? It sounds so familiar but I don’t know any Amber. Is it the doctor’s name? I shrugged it off and took 14 pills that will last me for a few days. As I put back the bottle inside the medicine counter, I noticed that every pill bottle has an Amber labeled on it. Maybe it really is the name of the doctor.
After a dinner full of silence and not looking at each other, I hurried back to my room as I was excited that I‘d be finally having my sleep with the help of the sleeping pills. I took one and crawled to my bed to make myself comfortable. I closed my eyes as I am so tired and that I’ll be having my peaceful sleep. Unfortunately, I stayed awake throughout the night. Am I insomniac? It does not make sense. I noticed the sun is already up and it’s only a matter of- shit. It’s too late. Mom is already awake.
“Fuck me.” I cursed myself.
When will she stop? Crying is one thing but doing it out loud every day is too much. It’s been like this for so long. I’m trying to calm myself as to not burst my anger as a part of me doesn’t want to further worsen mom’s health. I fucking hate it.
In the morning, I’m supposed to have bedroom eyes.
In the morning, I’m supposed to rise and say hi.
In the morning, I’m supposed to feel vitalized.
Instead, my ears get tortured, my eyes feel swollen, and my body feels exhausted. I’m fucking tired of this life. Why am I being punished like this? What did I do wrong? The pill didn’t even work. What is wrong with me? I am about to cover my ears when mom stopped crying all of a sudden. That was fast; normally she’d go a few more hours than this.
“Just be grateful it’s over early.” I told myself.
A few hours later, I heard my mom’s voice, which was rare because he never really talked much since she started crying every morning.
“Honey, lunch is ready!” she said. Great, just call dad and forget about me when my door suddenly opened and it was mom.
“Mom?” I asked but she just scanned the room as if I wasn’t there but she stopped at my direction with sad and lonely eyes. “Mom?” I asked again but she just left. That hurt.
Despite what happened earlier, I still went to the kitchen to have lunch together with them but it was the same old routine, eating without talking and looking at each other. I never really observed but I noticed that mom is looking better? She isn’t as pale as before and was eating more food. A small smile came out of my mouth but immediately withdrew when I caught myself smiling. Not going to lie but I did feel a little joy seeing my mom getting better, dad looks great too. Seems like the only problem left is my sleeping problem.
The day quickly passed and it was already time to sleep. I took one pill and tried sleeping but I just can’t make myself sleep.
“What the fuck is wrong with me?” I asked myself a dozen of times before taking another pill but to no avail; it’s not taking into any effect. I want to sleep! I just want to fucking sleep!
These thoughts kept on repeating on my mind until it went silent all of a sudden and then out of nowhere, I’ve kept hearing loud noises from which I don’t know where it was coming from. I started getting scared and paranoid, I feel like someone is inside my room. I kept hearing various noises. I can hear crying, shouting, cursing etc.
“I’m scared, mom.” I whispered before taking the remaining 11 sleeping pills to force myself to sleep.
I feel… warm? It is as if the sun is shining so bright today. I remembered everything that happened the night before- wait. The night before? I opened my eyes and saw the sun have already risen.
“It’s morning?” I whispered “its morning!” I shouted.
It was a great feeling it’s as if I had woken up from an eternal rest when actually it was just a few hours. I can’t believe it, the pills actually worked. However, it’s strange, its morning and my mom didn’t cry out loud today.
“Is she feeling better? I should probably go and take a look.” As I was about to stand up from my bed the door suddenly opened and came in my mom.
“Mom! Are you okay now?” I asked but I got no response. She looks better but still looks sad and lonely.
“Mom, what’s wrong?” I asked again but still, no answer.
She started walking towards the bed and sat on the chair next to it. She was looking out the window when her eye started producing tears. Seeing my mother cry in person broke me in to pieces, I regretted every moment that I was angry with her just because she is suffering from something. I am a selfish child. I was about to go and comfort her when she whispered something. I didn’t quite hear it but she repeated it and this time a lot louder.
“Amber, I miss you so much.” she said.
Amber? Isn’t that the name labeled in the pill bottles? I was about to ask mom who Amber is when it suddenly dawned on me.
In the morning, when I was supposed to rub my eyes
In the morning, when I was supposed to rise and say hi. Instead, I met my demise without saying goodbye.
With all of what’s left and what’s gone, for the things I did and didn’t do, for all the time I spent for what’s supposed to be true, one thing’s for sure.
In the morning, she found me lying. In the morning, she started crying.
In the morning, she was mourning.
END
